30 years ago there was a wonderful couple in the church.... The wife often complained to me about her husband: he wasn’t stepping up to his role as leader, disappointed in him for not being more spiritual… I did not get it… I was not in the middle of their house and so can’t say exactly what the daily family dynamics were like, but to me he was a wonderful Christian man that loved the Lord Jesus Christ. What was the problem? If I knew then what I know now, I’m thinking I could perhaps help her come to a greater understanding of what it means to be married. She was a strong personality; he was passive by nature. I cannot believe when two people are married before God he expects them to change their personalities and become something that is not in them….People grow. People can change. But they also have a personality; their minds are wired a certain way; they have skills and interests.
Are men and women/ boys and girls innately different? Perhaps if we speak in general terms, but almost every general observation of how a boy is different from a girl has exceptions. In general, little boys play rougher than girls, but we can all point to girls that are every bit as aggressive as boys ~ maybe because of birth order, or upbringing, or personality… whatever the reasons we find exceptions. Or there was me… I’m an exception… in the early 60’s I’d be in the nursery, my mother was my first teacher, I’d sit in the corner and do nothing… and the old ladies like Doris DeVries would come in and ask my mother if I was sick or something because I’d just be sitting there…. there are almost always exceptions. IMHO, if you ask me for the general rule of which sex is more logical and which is more emotional, contrary to common thinking, I have found women to be far more logical and men to make more decisions based on emotions… we can talk about that forever but you won’t change my mind. My point: you cannot base what marriage is supposed to look like on preconceived ideas of what men and women are like.
Although today’s message is about marriage, many of you are not married. The good news: you can live a full life without being married, but our society is blessed by strong marriages and families…
A Roadmap of Christian Marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if the Bible gave us a manual for Christian marriage, instead of occasional insight in a few verses?///// Your wish is granted. We have a manual. It’s called EPHESIANS.
The 2nd half of the book is about a New Society centered on Jesus ~ as Christians we journey forward living by the values of Christ… the last couple sermons have been practical with ideas such as Christians speaking positively to others, getting rid of negative putdowns and demeaning language, being thankful for others, blessing one another. Sounds like great advice for a married couple! Last week I spoke about how these are not rules to live by but words of wisdom ~ each person must work out for their own personalities and situation how to implement the rule of love and respect and to live consistently the values of Christ. Wisdom is needed in marriage…
Ephesians is a roadmap of how to have a strong marriage. Consider Eph. 4:25-28… [paraphrase with Sally in mind]. If you find yourself resenting your wife/husband… here is a roadmap and a goal… If I were to have a class on Christian marriage I would go through the Eph with marriage as the specific application…I’d talk about spiritual gifts in marriage and how that would be a better way of figuring out roles in a marriage rather than stereotype ways of how men are different from women. Christian marriage is a journey, with the goal of a beautiful relationship of husband and wife based on the values of Christ and the depth of Christ’s love…
Another example of how the entire book applies to marriage: an early message from Ephesians several months ago was about praying for others to thrive (Eph. 1:15-23). It is a beautiful prayer to pray for anyone including your wife or husband. [READ the prayer with Sally’s name.] Eph. is a roadmap. For those that are married, read the book with your amazing spouse in mind…
The Bible says “wives should submit to their husbands in everything” but a few verses earlier in Eph. 5:21 it says, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is meant for all relationships, including marriage. I love the idea of mutual submission (a favorite story: two hat makers presented Abraham Lincoln with one of their finest hats. President Lincoln looked over each hat, and with the hat makers standing before him he said, “Gentlemen, you have mutual excelled each other”). Mutual excellence. Mutual submission. That’s a basis for a great marriage, two people whose primary role in the relationship is to care about the other more than themselves, that’s mutual submission. That’s a perfect world. That’s the goal. I will never completely shed my selfish desires, so I take a measure of comfort knowing perfect mutual submission is a goal. I cannot love Sally to the depth that Christ loves me, but I have spent 36 years with that in mind!
A common question: why is the woman to be submissive and the husband is instructed to love his wife “as Christ loved the church.” The question is easy to answer when we view the whole book as a marriage manual. I’ve already talked about Eph. 5:20 and mutual submission. But what about “love your wife as Christ loved the church.” Is this a different attitude for the husband that the wife doesn’t need? NO. Listen to Eph. 5:1-2 READ. These words not only apply to our relationship to brothers and sisters in Christ, but also to the husband and wife in marriage. The wife is also to honored, instructed to work towards loving her husband sacrificially...
If both the husband and wife are loving and submitting to the other in perfect awareness and consideration of the other, there is no worry about one dominating the other or any hint of abuse. But we live in the world as it is, not in a perfect world. I want to give you my own personal definition of “submit” that helps me put all of this together. I still think we cringe trying to understand what that means exactly. “Submit to one another” it says, and “wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” In a perfect marriage, if the husband is pouring himself sacrificially into his wife, submitting to that man is easy… submitting to a boss is easy when the boss cares deeply about the welfare of employees. Submitting to a person who cares deeply about you is a joy. But what about when the mutual submission and sacrificial love is uneven?
My personal definition of “submit”: think through the eyes of the other person in everything. Seek to understand, to truly listen. To find out what pleases the other person, what makes them tick, why they do what they do… submit. You are making your unfair husband/wife a priority as you submit truly trying to understand… Yes the Bible says to submit in everything… but you know what else Ephesians says. Remember the whole book is a roadmap. From last weeks sermon the Bible says to consider the question of What Would Jesus Do… Would Jesus Be Pleased, and Find out What the Will of Jesus is. That wisdom is still part of your DNA in a marriage. The Bible says submit in everything, but somehow you can’t abandon the wisdom of what the Lord wants…. If you are being asked to submit to abuse, that cannot be, or ungodly acts.
I find it helpful to think of the word “submit” as the act of seeing through the other person’s eyes to truly understand as a way to go forward. It is liberating… a way forward, it is respectful…
Another common problem from the imperfect world where stuff happens: suppose the wife is a Christian but the husband is not (or vica versa). Remember, Eph. 5:21-33 is a goal and not a definition of what we are…. If one spouse is a Christian and the other is not, the Christian is still wise to walk towards the ideal through submission, seeing through the eyes of the spouse, loving sacrificially, having high standards, gently encouraging a relationship of mutual submission of building each other up…take on the full arsenal of wisdom using Ephesians as a roadmap of wisdom... For the only Christian in a marriage, you have the added joy of praying for your spouse to become a Christian while accepting the world as it is…
If your spouse is not a Christian, your journey is still to submit, but that does not mean blind obedience. Abuse of any kind is outside the bounds of a healthy relationship. That’s another common problem. Submit does not mean “door mat”. Early on in my pastoral ministry a woman came to me because her husband had beat her, he had often beat her, but this time it was a crisis because for the first time he beat her in front of the children; one of her children jumped on Daddy’s back as he was raging, and Daddy flung the child across the room. I didn’t know much, but I knew that was no marriage and she had to get away. I didn’t know what to do but I told her I’d help her find a place to go… She left disappointed in me. I never saw her or heard from her again. She was disappointed because she wanted me to talk her out of leaving her husband because wives are called to submit to their husbands. That cannot be… A person can be submissive and not be met with the same respect or love, but at some point, if the act of respect and submission is so too far apart, there is no marriage…. Work hard to not cross that line, but at some point it takes both the husband and wife to work through division….
Ephesians is a roadmap, two people working to bless the other, love the other, sacrifice for the other… that’s the goal... the journey will include imperfections, detours, but the goal is each seeing through the eyes of the other… sacrificial love….do you know what the word “husband” means?.....
One more story that beautifully illustrates a husband submitting to his wife. It is a journal entry of my great grandfather, Frank Davis. Frank and his wife Susie were both pastors...[NOTE: When I have time I will edit this message to copy the journal entry into these notes...]
Christian marriage is growing together in Christ. It’s a beautiful process of becoming all that Jesus Christ desires for us… I am entering the work of Christ as I build up my wife, submit to her, sacrifice for her…Christian marriage is about husbands who look at their wives and see more and more beauty, love, respect and appreciation for all their skills and talents, wives that pour themselves more and more into their husbands and value even the differences that they don’t get… Women are not called to understand men, they are called to understand one man: their husband. Men are not called to understand all women… but one. Forget the stereotypes, forget the rumors of what woman/men are like, you’re primary calling is to know the other, make the other a better person. Marriage is the most intimate of relationships with Christ at the center.
May the Lord strengthen the marriages among us, may he be with those that are newly married, may those in long marriages be an inspiration for younger ones struggling to get it… Thank you for listening and I hope some of it makes sense. Amen.5
Although today’s message is about marriage, many of you are not married. The good news: you can live a full life without being married, but our society is blessed by strong marriages and families…
A Roadmap of Christian Marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if the Bible gave us a manual for Christian marriage, instead of occasional insight in a few verses?///// Your wish is granted. We have a manual. It’s called EPHESIANS.
The 2nd half of the book is about a New Society centered on Jesus ~ as Christians we journey forward living by the values of Christ… the last couple sermons have been practical with ideas such as Christians speaking positively to others, getting rid of negative putdowns and demeaning language, being thankful for others, blessing one another. Sounds like great advice for a married couple! Last week I spoke about how these are not rules to live by but words of wisdom ~ each person must work out for their own personalities and situation how to implement the rule of love and respect and to live consistently the values of Christ. Wisdom is needed in marriage…
Ephesians is a roadmap of how to have a strong marriage. Consider Eph. 4:25-28… [paraphrase with Sally in mind]. If you find yourself resenting your wife/husband… here is a roadmap and a goal… If I were to have a class on Christian marriage I would go through the Eph with marriage as the specific application…I’d talk about spiritual gifts in marriage and how that would be a better way of figuring out roles in a marriage rather than stereotype ways of how men are different from women. Christian marriage is a journey, with the goal of a beautiful relationship of husband and wife based on the values of Christ and the depth of Christ’s love…
Another example of how the entire book applies to marriage: an early message from Ephesians several months ago was about praying for others to thrive (Eph. 1:15-23). It is a beautiful prayer to pray for anyone including your wife or husband. [READ the prayer with Sally’s name.] Eph. is a roadmap. For those that are married, read the book with your amazing spouse in mind…
The Bible says “wives should submit to their husbands in everything” but a few verses earlier in Eph. 5:21 it says, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is meant for all relationships, including marriage. I love the idea of mutual submission (a favorite story: two hat makers presented Abraham Lincoln with one of their finest hats. President Lincoln looked over each hat, and with the hat makers standing before him he said, “Gentlemen, you have mutual excelled each other”). Mutual excellence. Mutual submission. That’s a basis for a great marriage, two people whose primary role in the relationship is to care about the other more than themselves, that’s mutual submission. That’s a perfect world. That’s the goal. I will never completely shed my selfish desires, so I take a measure of comfort knowing perfect mutual submission is a goal. I cannot love Sally to the depth that Christ loves me, but I have spent 36 years with that in mind!
A common question: why is the woman to be submissive and the husband is instructed to love his wife “as Christ loved the church.” The question is easy to answer when we view the whole book as a marriage manual. I’ve already talked about Eph. 5:20 and mutual submission. But what about “love your wife as Christ loved the church.” Is this a different attitude for the husband that the wife doesn’t need? NO. Listen to Eph. 5:1-2 READ. These words not only apply to our relationship to brothers and sisters in Christ, but also to the husband and wife in marriage. The wife is also to honored, instructed to work towards loving her husband sacrificially...
If both the husband and wife are loving and submitting to the other in perfect awareness and consideration of the other, there is no worry about one dominating the other or any hint of abuse. But we live in the world as it is, not in a perfect world. I want to give you my own personal definition of “submit” that helps me put all of this together. I still think we cringe trying to understand what that means exactly. “Submit to one another” it says, and “wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” In a perfect marriage, if the husband is pouring himself sacrificially into his wife, submitting to that man is easy… submitting to a boss is easy when the boss cares deeply about the welfare of employees. Submitting to a person who cares deeply about you is a joy. But what about when the mutual submission and sacrificial love is uneven?
My personal definition of “submit”: think through the eyes of the other person in everything. Seek to understand, to truly listen. To find out what pleases the other person, what makes them tick, why they do what they do… submit. You are making your unfair husband/wife a priority as you submit truly trying to understand… Yes the Bible says to submit in everything… but you know what else Ephesians says. Remember the whole book is a roadmap. From last weeks sermon the Bible says to consider the question of What Would Jesus Do… Would Jesus Be Pleased, and Find out What the Will of Jesus is. That wisdom is still part of your DNA in a marriage. The Bible says submit in everything, but somehow you can’t abandon the wisdom of what the Lord wants…. If you are being asked to submit to abuse, that cannot be, or ungodly acts.
I find it helpful to think of the word “submit” as the act of seeing through the other person’s eyes to truly understand as a way to go forward. It is liberating… a way forward, it is respectful…
Another common problem from the imperfect world where stuff happens: suppose the wife is a Christian but the husband is not (or vica versa). Remember, Eph. 5:21-33 is a goal and not a definition of what we are…. If one spouse is a Christian and the other is not, the Christian is still wise to walk towards the ideal through submission, seeing through the eyes of the spouse, loving sacrificially, having high standards, gently encouraging a relationship of mutual submission of building each other up…take on the full arsenal of wisdom using Ephesians as a roadmap of wisdom... For the only Christian in a marriage, you have the added joy of praying for your spouse to become a Christian while accepting the world as it is…
If your spouse is not a Christian, your journey is still to submit, but that does not mean blind obedience. Abuse of any kind is outside the bounds of a healthy relationship. That’s another common problem. Submit does not mean “door mat”. Early on in my pastoral ministry a woman came to me because her husband had beat her, he had often beat her, but this time it was a crisis because for the first time he beat her in front of the children; one of her children jumped on Daddy’s back as he was raging, and Daddy flung the child across the room. I didn’t know much, but I knew that was no marriage and she had to get away. I didn’t know what to do but I told her I’d help her find a place to go… She left disappointed in me. I never saw her or heard from her again. She was disappointed because she wanted me to talk her out of leaving her husband because wives are called to submit to their husbands. That cannot be… A person can be submissive and not be met with the same respect or love, but at some point, if the act of respect and submission is so too far apart, there is no marriage…. Work hard to not cross that line, but at some point it takes both the husband and wife to work through division….
Ephesians is a roadmap, two people working to bless the other, love the other, sacrifice for the other… that’s the goal... the journey will include imperfections, detours, but the goal is each seeing through the eyes of the other… sacrificial love….do you know what the word “husband” means?.....
One more story that beautifully illustrates a husband submitting to his wife. It is a journal entry of my great grandfather, Frank Davis. Frank and his wife Susie were both pastors...[NOTE: When I have time I will edit this message to copy the journal entry into these notes...]
Christian marriage is growing together in Christ. It’s a beautiful process of becoming all that Jesus Christ desires for us… I am entering the work of Christ as I build up my wife, submit to her, sacrifice for her…Christian marriage is about husbands who look at their wives and see more and more beauty, love, respect and appreciation for all their skills and talents, wives that pour themselves more and more into their husbands and value even the differences that they don’t get… Women are not called to understand men, they are called to understand one man: their husband. Men are not called to understand all women… but one. Forget the stereotypes, forget the rumors of what woman/men are like, you’re primary calling is to know the other, make the other a better person. Marriage is the most intimate of relationships with Christ at the center.
May the Lord strengthen the marriages among us, may he be with those that are newly married, may those in long marriages be an inspiration for younger ones struggling to get it… Thank you for listening and I hope some of it makes sense. Amen.5
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