Forgiveness is important in all relationships. In marriage, I believe forgiveness is more important to consider than love. Do I really need to tell a couple they need to love each other? Forgiveness may not seem romantic, but according to this scripture, forgiveness is absolutely foundational for a strong and healthy relationship. Ruth Graham said, “A good marriage is the union of two forgivers.”
Strong and healthy marriages are foundational to a healthy society. We need strong marriages based on those crazy and amazing vows, intertwined with God to make great marriages. This scripture begins by painting an ideal world: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths…” RIGHT! Don’t ever be negative, don’t ever say anything discouraging, and don’t ever be critical… Of course you should never criticize your husband/wife ~ any relationship, but call it a bad day, call it pessimistic by nature, we say things, we think things…What I like about this scripture is that it paints a picture that to which we should strive to become, but then it speaks to real life ~ The ideal is to build each other up, but then it says the answer is to forgive when less than the ideal is achieved. We are to lift one another up in our marriages ~~ my goal is to be my wife’s biggest fan (thankfully I have it easy) ~~ but we fall short. God has provided a refresh button for our marriages: it’s called forgiveness.
Strong and healthy marriages are foundational to a healthy society. We need strong marriages based on those crazy and amazing vows, intertwined with God to make great marriages. This scripture begins by painting an ideal world: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths…” RIGHT! Don’t ever be negative, don’t ever say anything discouraging, and don’t ever be critical… Of course you should never criticize your husband/wife ~ any relationship, but call it a bad day, call it pessimistic by nature, we say things, we think things…What I like about this scripture is that it paints a picture that to which we should strive to become, but then it speaks to real life ~ The ideal is to build each other up, but then it says the answer is to forgive when less than the ideal is achieved. We are to lift one another up in our marriages ~~ my goal is to be my wife’s biggest fan (thankfully I have it easy) ~~ but we fall short. God has provided a refresh button for our marriages: it’s called forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a key ingredient that keeps marriages strong. Marriages are not meant for two people to co-exist ~~ husband and wife are to thrive and build each other up. Subtle criticisms, drifting apart, ignoring problems hoping they go away can erode a marriage so that one day you wake up, scratch your head, and wonder what happened? It wasn’t one thing, it was a pattern that developed and took root, like the frog in the kettle that boiled to death as the water was slowly heated.
I like the story of the plane that was making a transatlantic flight, when suddenly the pilot’s voice came on the intercom: “Those of you on the left side of the plane have probably noticed that one of our engines has failed. Please do not be alarmed. We can still fly on three engines, but we will probably arrive about 15 minutes late.” A few minutes later, the pilot’s calm voice came on again: “Those of you on the right side of the plane are probably aware that a second engine has failed. Please do not be alarmed. We can make it on two engines, though we will probably be at least 30 minutes late now.” A few minutes later the pilot spoke to the passengers again: “It has just come to my attention that a third engine has failed. Please do not be alarmed. We can make it to the airport on only one engine. However, we will arrive approximately 45 minutes late.” One passenger turned to another and said, “Boy, I hope that fourth engine doesn’t fail, or we could be up here all night!” How easy to lose perspective….
It’s not helpful to tough it out, putting up with abuse/neglect. It’s easy to lose perspective and forget you need the engine to keep you from plunging into the ocean. Forgiveness is different from putting up with unwholesome talk because //when you forgive you know there is something better. Forgiveness means you are letting go but not giving up. // When I forgive you I hit the refresh button giving another chance to get it right.
Eph. 4:30, at first, seems random: READ. God deeply cares about the quality of our relationships, including marriages. Unwholesome talk ~ bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice in Eph. 4:31 are forms of unwholesome talk. anything less than building each other up, affirming each other, complimenting each other, listening to each other… grieves the Lord. God wants strong marriages, strong relationships. “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God” with unwholesome talk, but you were “sealed for the day of redemption” ~ God wants us whole, uplifted. Part of our incentive for doing what is right is to do that which pleases God. I am committed to building up my awesome wife because that is what God wants of me! Remember the little phrase, WJBP…
Sometimes the problems in a marriage are extreme. Here’s a testimony of extreme criticism. “I'm a stay at home mom. my husband is constantly criticizing me. He makes jokes about my weight and … my intelligence. Today he asked me where my money is implying I should get a job. he then went on to compare me with his friend's girlfriend and said even she has a part time job and yet she doesn't have my level of education. He then said something is wrong with my brain and called me stupid…He never compliments me when I clean, cook, do laundry and teach our son …. All I ever hear is that I'm brainless and lazy…He's a great provider though. After he calls me stupid he starts sweet talking me, but I feel so hurt. Am I in the wrong here? (anonymous, internet q & a site)
A ton of people weighed in with answers to this online testimony ranging from get out of the relationship to fight back. Not one of the answers came even close to the Bible’s answer: forgive! Forgiving each other is a foundational practice for a strong and healthy marriage. “A good marriage is the union of two forgivers.” READ Eph. 4:32.
Forgiveness is the bridge between sinners and God “just as in Christ God forgave you.” If a husband is verbally abusing his wife “it is too hard to forgive” you say… are we only to forgive when it is easy? I don’t think Jesus died for perfect people in easy situations.
Forgiveness is to become a way of life, not only for the sake of the person who has wronged you, but also for your sake. I love the phrase I heard months ago: “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” For your sake, be a forgiver. Let go of resentment, wear the other person down with compassion and kindness. Allow your heart and mind to be redeemed in the process. Kindness and compassion is the visible and emotional expression of the forgiveness in your heart.
But what if the demeaning attitude continues even after forgiveness is extended? Natural question ~ next week we’ll touch on that when we talk about when the covenant of marriage is completely broken. Today ~ forgiveness as a way of life; forgiveness to bring health to a marriage; forgiveness to restore sanity to your mind. Take a look at the list of Eph. 4:31. All of these are justifiable responses to the unwholesome talk ~ a wife talks badly, of course we can justify getting angry! Slander her. Get even. Respond in kind. The Lord says to respond with forgiveness. Retaliation may be deserved, but choose to respond in a spirit of forgiveness. Hit the refresh button…
Let’s dig a bit deeper into what it means to forgive each other. I’ve touched on the marriage that slowly drifts apart, and a marriage with extreme criticism. Both need so much more attention, {someday a book is coming on forgiveness} if either of these is a live issue for you, find somebody to talk it through, an elder, a friend, a small group, a wise Christian…
Let’s dig deeper into the nature of forgiveness in a marriage with two ordinary people with a good marriage and striving for a great marriage. You’ve heard it said, “opposite’s attract.” Ever look at a couple as an outsider and wonder, “what in the world attracted her to him.”/// Here’s what commonly happens. Boy and girl meet. The boy comes from a loving but formal non-demonstrative family and the girl comes from a bubbly enmeshed family in which everyone knows everyone else’s business. The boy so much longs for a bubbly active loving relationship, something he did not grow up with. The girl sees what the boy’s formality as a family was like and likes the idea of some peace and quiet for a change. They admire what the other has. So they marry. At first everything is a fairy tale, each has the best of both worlds. But after a time, what happens? The boy gets tired of everyone in his wife’s family knowing his business and the girl gets tired of the boring hands off style of the boy’s family feeling like nobody cares. What they once admired in each other becomes a source of irritation. Tension! Wonderful and frustrating tension!
Here’s where we often go wrong with forgiveness. We think about forgiveness primarily as a formal act in which you hit me, I go to you and tell you I forgive you, you repent, change your life, and never do it again. That happens, but not often.
More often when the Bible talks about forgiveness I believe forgiveness is to be a way of life. You speak unwholesomely to me, you are unkind to me for nothing that I deserve. I could respond by getting angry, brawling, talking badly to others about you, harboring bitterness in my soul (drinking poison expecting you to die), but God wants more for me, he wants me to be whole even when others sin against me, even when others annoy me, even when my wife stresses me out. “Be kind and compassionate to one another” Eph. 4:32 says, “forgiving one another.” The kindness and compassion is the expression of the forgiveness. A spirit of forgiveness may be thought of simply as refusing to fight.
Next week we are going to honor couple that have been married 50 plus years… I bet that if you talk to any one of them, simply letting go of unwholesome talk is a way of life. What if Grace had to have a sit down formal talk everytime Herb did or said something offensive? We are to forgive one another on the daily missteps; instead of retaliating, instead of becoming bitter, be kind and compassionate. In a marriage where two people are striving to bless each other, forgiveness is to be a way of life, letting the offense go, forgetting as much as possible, just like God forgave every one of us.
A great marriage is built on the foundation of forgiveness. While we may never have perfection in this world, if that is our aim in our marriages, we will see God knitting us together becoming stronger and stronger through him. A few months ago I had a funeral for a woman who suffered from Alzheimer’s the last few years of her life. The family said they were so blessed because the last year after she lost much of her functional ability to live a full life, every time they visited, she told them about a trip she took in her mind, but to her they were real. She was a reader through-out her life, and had dreamed of going on many trips. In her mind, the last year, she really went to those place and told the family all about her wonderful trips. I see the same potential in marriage. If we have a vision for what we can become, there is a sense where the vision becomes the reality, and it is a blessing of God. I have a perfect marriage, I don’t know what Sally thinks from her angle, but from my angle my assumption is that the rest of the world is jealous of me. Without forgiveness as a way of life, strong marriages would not be possible, because we are sinners and at times unwholesome attitudes spill out of us.
May kindness and compassion be your response to the unwholesome talk that is hurled your way. In your marriage, any relationship, may forgiveness be a normal part of the routine. May our greatest example be Jesus Christ who forgave us, even though we do not deserve his forgiveness. Forgiveness as a way of life gives freedom, and builds great marriages. Amen!
I like the story of the plane that was making a transatlantic flight, when suddenly the pilot’s voice came on the intercom: “Those of you on the left side of the plane have probably noticed that one of our engines has failed. Please do not be alarmed. We can still fly on three engines, but we will probably arrive about 15 minutes late.” A few minutes later, the pilot’s calm voice came on again: “Those of you on the right side of the plane are probably aware that a second engine has failed. Please do not be alarmed. We can make it on two engines, though we will probably be at least 30 minutes late now.” A few minutes later the pilot spoke to the passengers again: “It has just come to my attention that a third engine has failed. Please do not be alarmed. We can make it to the airport on only one engine. However, we will arrive approximately 45 minutes late.” One passenger turned to another and said, “Boy, I hope that fourth engine doesn’t fail, or we could be up here all night!” How easy to lose perspective….
It’s not helpful to tough it out, putting up with abuse/neglect. It’s easy to lose perspective and forget you need the engine to keep you from plunging into the ocean. Forgiveness is different from putting up with unwholesome talk because //when you forgive you know there is something better. Forgiveness means you are letting go but not giving up. // When I forgive you I hit the refresh button giving another chance to get it right.
Eph. 4:30, at first, seems random: READ. God deeply cares about the quality of our relationships, including marriages. Unwholesome talk ~ bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice in Eph. 4:31 are forms of unwholesome talk. anything less than building each other up, affirming each other, complimenting each other, listening to each other… grieves the Lord. God wants strong marriages, strong relationships. “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God” with unwholesome talk, but you were “sealed for the day of redemption” ~ God wants us whole, uplifted. Part of our incentive for doing what is right is to do that which pleases God. I am committed to building up my awesome wife because that is what God wants of me! Remember the little phrase, WJBP…
Sometimes the problems in a marriage are extreme. Here’s a testimony of extreme criticism. “I'm a stay at home mom. my husband is constantly criticizing me. He makes jokes about my weight and … my intelligence. Today he asked me where my money is implying I should get a job. he then went on to compare me with his friend's girlfriend and said even she has a part time job and yet she doesn't have my level of education. He then said something is wrong with my brain and called me stupid…He never compliments me when I clean, cook, do laundry and teach our son …. All I ever hear is that I'm brainless and lazy…He's a great provider though. After he calls me stupid he starts sweet talking me, but I feel so hurt. Am I in the wrong here? (anonymous, internet q & a site)
A ton of people weighed in with answers to this online testimony ranging from get out of the relationship to fight back. Not one of the answers came even close to the Bible’s answer: forgive! Forgiving each other is a foundational practice for a strong and healthy marriage. “A good marriage is the union of two forgivers.” READ Eph. 4:32.
Forgiveness is the bridge between sinners and God “just as in Christ God forgave you.” If a husband is verbally abusing his wife “it is too hard to forgive” you say… are we only to forgive when it is easy? I don’t think Jesus died for perfect people in easy situations.
Forgiveness is to become a way of life, not only for the sake of the person who has wronged you, but also for your sake. I love the phrase I heard months ago: “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” For your sake, be a forgiver. Let go of resentment, wear the other person down with compassion and kindness. Allow your heart and mind to be redeemed in the process. Kindness and compassion is the visible and emotional expression of the forgiveness in your heart.
But what if the demeaning attitude continues even after forgiveness is extended? Natural question ~ next week we’ll touch on that when we talk about when the covenant of marriage is completely broken. Today ~ forgiveness as a way of life; forgiveness to bring health to a marriage; forgiveness to restore sanity to your mind. Take a look at the list of Eph. 4:31. All of these are justifiable responses to the unwholesome talk ~ a wife talks badly, of course we can justify getting angry! Slander her. Get even. Respond in kind. The Lord says to respond with forgiveness. Retaliation may be deserved, but choose to respond in a spirit of forgiveness. Hit the refresh button…
Let’s dig a bit deeper into what it means to forgive each other. I’ve touched on the marriage that slowly drifts apart, and a marriage with extreme criticism. Both need so much more attention, {someday a book is coming on forgiveness} if either of these is a live issue for you, find somebody to talk it through, an elder, a friend, a small group, a wise Christian…
Let’s dig deeper into the nature of forgiveness in a marriage with two ordinary people with a good marriage and striving for a great marriage. You’ve heard it said, “opposite’s attract.” Ever look at a couple as an outsider and wonder, “what in the world attracted her to him.”/// Here’s what commonly happens. Boy and girl meet. The boy comes from a loving but formal non-demonstrative family and the girl comes from a bubbly enmeshed family in which everyone knows everyone else’s business. The boy so much longs for a bubbly active loving relationship, something he did not grow up with. The girl sees what the boy’s formality as a family was like and likes the idea of some peace and quiet for a change. They admire what the other has. So they marry. At first everything is a fairy tale, each has the best of both worlds. But after a time, what happens? The boy gets tired of everyone in his wife’s family knowing his business and the girl gets tired of the boring hands off style of the boy’s family feeling like nobody cares. What they once admired in each other becomes a source of irritation. Tension! Wonderful and frustrating tension!
Here’s where we often go wrong with forgiveness. We think about forgiveness primarily as a formal act in which you hit me, I go to you and tell you I forgive you, you repent, change your life, and never do it again. That happens, but not often.
More often when the Bible talks about forgiveness I believe forgiveness is to be a way of life. You speak unwholesomely to me, you are unkind to me for nothing that I deserve. I could respond by getting angry, brawling, talking badly to others about you, harboring bitterness in my soul (drinking poison expecting you to die), but God wants more for me, he wants me to be whole even when others sin against me, even when others annoy me, even when my wife stresses me out. “Be kind and compassionate to one another” Eph. 4:32 says, “forgiving one another.” The kindness and compassion is the expression of the forgiveness. A spirit of forgiveness may be thought of simply as refusing to fight.
Next week we are going to honor couple that have been married 50 plus years… I bet that if you talk to any one of them, simply letting go of unwholesome talk is a way of life. What if Grace had to have a sit down formal talk everytime Herb did or said something offensive? We are to forgive one another on the daily missteps; instead of retaliating, instead of becoming bitter, be kind and compassionate. In a marriage where two people are striving to bless each other, forgiveness is to be a way of life, letting the offense go, forgetting as much as possible, just like God forgave every one of us.
A great marriage is built on the foundation of forgiveness. While we may never have perfection in this world, if that is our aim in our marriages, we will see God knitting us together becoming stronger and stronger through him. A few months ago I had a funeral for a woman who suffered from Alzheimer’s the last few years of her life. The family said they were so blessed because the last year after she lost much of her functional ability to live a full life, every time they visited, she told them about a trip she took in her mind, but to her they were real. She was a reader through-out her life, and had dreamed of going on many trips. In her mind, the last year, she really went to those place and told the family all about her wonderful trips. I see the same potential in marriage. If we have a vision for what we can become, there is a sense where the vision becomes the reality, and it is a blessing of God. I have a perfect marriage, I don’t know what Sally thinks from her angle, but from my angle my assumption is that the rest of the world is jealous of me. Without forgiveness as a way of life, strong marriages would not be possible, because we are sinners and at times unwholesome attitudes spill out of us.
May kindness and compassion be your response to the unwholesome talk that is hurled your way. In your marriage, any relationship, may forgiveness be a normal part of the routine. May our greatest example be Jesus Christ who forgave us, even though we do not deserve his forgiveness. Forgiveness as a way of life gives freedom, and builds great marriages. Amen!
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